39 thoughts on “What’s a crackalackin my dudes?

  1. Few of my favourites are:

    China is whole again. And it broke again.

    Hi said the parthians taking the entire placHEYYYY said the Romans eating the whole meditarrian for breakfast

  2. Hi, you’re on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it’s water. Fuck it, actually, most of it’s water. I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. It’s sad. I’m sad. I miss you.

    #H O W D I D T H I S H A P P E N ?

    A long time ago… actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn’t happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That’s why it’s been everywhere. It’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. You don’t even need a “when”. That’s how “every” it gets.

    Forget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. I want things to change, I want to invent time and space, and I know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don’t know when to start… and that’s exactly where it started.


    Woah, I paused it. I think there’s a universe now. What’s it made of?

    #Q U A R K S A N D S T U F F

    Ah, that’s a thing, in a place! Don’t like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier… but it’s not empty yet. It’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

    *<about no seconds later>*

    Great news! The quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” or a “neutron”, and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s still too

    #**H O T**

    *<about ten minutes later>*

    Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! Some of them even doubled up.

    *<about 380,000 years later>*

    Great news! The electrons have now joined in.

    Congratulations, THE WORLD IS NOW a bunch of gas in space… but it’s getting closer together…

    *<10 million years later>*

    …and it’s getting closer together…

    *<500 million years later>*

    …and it’s getting closer toget-


    #I T ‘ S A S T A R

    New shit just got made! Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion and make some brand new way crazier shit.

    #S P A C E D U S T

    …which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into

    #E V E N C R A Z I E R S P A C E D U S T

    So now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. Like this ball of flaming rock, for example…

    *<meteor hits Earth>*

    Holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of… made a mess, which is

    #N O W T H E M O O N

    *Weather update!* It’s raining rocks from outer space. *Weather update!* Those rocks might have had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky. *Weather update!* Cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. *Weather update!* …it’s raining. *Severe flooding alert!* The entire world is now an ocean. *Volcano alert!*

    #T H A T ‘S L A N D !

    ^^^there’s ^^^life ^^^in ^^^the ^^^ocean.


    #S O M E T H I N G ‘ S A L I V E I N T H E O C E A N

    Oh, cool! Like, a plant or an animal? No, a microscopic speck! It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from *gnarly space ingredients* left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever…

    *<microscopic speck reproduces asexually>*

    Oh yeah, and it can do that.

    *<microscopic specks reproduce asexually three more times>*

    It has secret instructions written inside itself, telling it how to build another one of itself. So, that’s pretty nifty, I would say. Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

    #N O W Y O U C A N E A T S U N L I G H T

    *”Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.”*

    #T A S T E T H E S U N

    Side effect: Now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

    It’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm, and some other types of weird, stranger water bugs and strange fish.

    #I T ‘ S T H E C A M B R I A N E X P L O S I O N

    Wow, that’s animals and stuff, but we’re still in the ocean. “Hey, can we go on land?”

    #N O


    #T H E S U N I S A D E A D L Y L A Z E R

    “Oh, okay.”

    *<ozone layer forms>*

    #N O T A N Y M O R E T H E R E ‘ S A B L A N K E T

    Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let’s go on land! “Nope, can’t walk yet, and there’s no food yet, so I don’t care.”

    *<100 million years later>*

    Okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “Maybe,” said some bugs, and fish.




    *<five million years later>*

    “Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to

    #H A V E B A B I E S

    Idea: Learn to use an egg. “I was already doing that!” Use a stronger egg, put water in it, have a baby on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. “Works for me.”

    #B Y E B Y E O C E A N

    *<50 million years later>*

    And now everything’s huge, including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? Sure.

    *<Permian extinction>*

    Oh, fuck, now everything’s dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. Keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become…

    *<75 million years later>*

    …the dinosaurs. Here’s another map of the land. Yeah, it broke apart. Don’t worry about it, does that all the time. Here comes a meteor.


    #A N D T H E D I N O S A U R S A R E G O N E

    It’s mammal time, here come the mammals. Look at those breasts. Now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff and walk. No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time, and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.


    And set things on fire.


    And make crazy sounds with their voice.


    Which can mean different things.

    #T H A T ‘ S A H U M A N P E R S O N

    And now they’re everywhere…almost.

    #I C E A G E

    What? You can walk over here? Cool!

    #N O T A N Y M O R E

    Well, I guess we’re stuck here. Let’s review: There’s people on the planet, and they’re chasing their food. “Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this, I get to control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food.” This is great! I wonder if anyone else is doing this?

    Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It’s underground. Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.

    #G U E S S W H A T H A P P E N S N E X T ?

    More food, and more people who came to buy the food. Now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now you need house for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.

    #S O C I E T Y

    Coming soon to a dank river valley near you! Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

    Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? Tired of using lame, sad metal? Introducing:

    #B R O N Z E

    Made from special ingredient: Tin, from the far lands of Tin Land. I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what?

    #E G Y P T

    Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now we’re getting somewhere. Also…

    #C H I N A

    And did I mention…

    #I N D U S R I V E R V A L L E Y C I V I L I Z A T I O N

    *<Society count: 5 … Mesopotamia, Egypt, China, Indus Valley Civilization, Norte Chico>*

    #N O R T E C H I C O

    The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it’s in the middle of the East. Knock knock, er, clop clop, it’s the people with the… horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.

    #G R E E K S

    Ah, look, it must be the Greeks… er, a beta version of the Greeks. Let’s check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization… they’re gone. Guess who’s not gone?

    #C H I N A

    #N E W A R R I V A L S I N I N D I A M A Y B E I T W A S T H O S E H O R S E P E O P L E I W A S T A L K I N G A B O U T O R T H E I R C O U S I N S O R S O M E T H I N G A N D T H E Y W R O T E S O M E H Y M N S A N D M A N T R A S A N D S T U F F

    You could make a religion out of this.

    There’s the Bronze Age collapse.

    #N O W T H E P H O E N I C I A N S C A N G E T D O W N T O B U S I N E S S

    Also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? Thanks. Look who came back to Israel: It’s the twelve tribes of Israel.

    #A N D T H E Y B E L I E V E I N G O D

    Just one, though. He’s got, like, a ten step program.

    Here’s some huge heads, must be the Olmecs. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. Here comes the Assyrian Empire. Never mind, it’s the Babyloni- Media-

    #I T ‘ S T H E P E R S I A N E M P I R E

    Wow, that’s big.


    Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! “Who’s the Buddha?” This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. You could make a religion out of this!

    Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

    Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff, and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian Empire. It’s a great idea, he was great… and now he’s dead. Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

    Knock knock, it’s Chandragupta. He says “Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants?” “Okay, thanks, bye.”

    #T I M E T O C O N Q U E R A L L O F I N D I A


    #M O S T O F I N D I A

    But what about this part? That’s the Tamil Kings, nobody conquers the Tamil Kings. Who are the Tamil Kings?

    #M E R C H A N T S P R O B A B L Y A N D T H E Y ‘ V E G O T S P I C E S

    “Who would like to buy the spices?” “Me!” said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

  3. *That’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church. Here’s 95 reasons why.*

  4. The video is fun, but it’s really innacurate for the sake of being entertaining. I don’t blame it, but because of the video, there are so many people who think everything in the video was accurate

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